Not that strong afterall

If you asked me two days ago whether I was afraid/nervous for the surgery, I would give a firm answer of NO. I have to admit, it's slowly getting into me now, the fear of not being able to speak well, the fear of not being able to eat properly and the fear of the possible side effects.. I know it is not going to last long but I just can't help it, I over think way too much.

Today was a pretty fruitful day. I went for a lunch buffet, followed by a karaoke session and a bowling session. At night, I met my lovely girlfriends for dinner. 

Ever since last Thursday, I never spent a day not tearing/crying secretly. Initially I thought it was just my hormones being a bitch but I guess it really could be the surgery that is making me anxious. Just today, I broke down out of a sudden during the singing session. In my mind, I kept thinking when would be the next time I can start singing so crazily again. When can I ever speak properly again. 

Feeling pretty down because some people still do not appreciate or understand what I'm going through. It just makes this whole journey harder.. 

"Is this even necessary?"
Why don't you try to be me for just a day? hmm.

That aside, I'm not going to give up just yet because 1 year down the road, I wouldn't even look back on how sad I was today. I would just remember how happy I was with the results.. 

Good luck to those who will be going through the same journey as me. We're all brave warriors, fighting for ourselves. hehe. 

What to prepare for surgery?

I am now 4 DAYS away from my surgery.. I'll be admitted into the hospital one day before so that makes it 3 days to hospitalization. Time really flies. I want to indulge in all the good foods I can before the surgery. I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Got to admit, I've put on some weight already but I'm not afraid since I'll be losing them off after the surgery. The average jaw surgery patient will lose between 3kg to 15kg. *smirks*

I have been doing a little research on what I should prepare for my surgery.. Here's my list:

• Canned Soups
• Juices
• Frozen fruits (to blend)
• Baby Spoons
• Sippy Cup
• Baby Toothbrushes
• Breathe Right Nasal Stripes
• Ice/Heat Pack (for when I'm swollen)
• Neck Pillow
• Oil Blotter
• Cotton Buds/Q-tip (my anesthetist said my nose may bleed when they insert/remove the windpipe T_T) 
• Paper & Pens (need to communicate since I wouldn't be able to move my jaw much; I'll prolly go ahead and get a whiteboard instead)
• Vaseline (Mouth area will be dry and flaky from stretching)
• Wet Napkins/Tissue

I'm not too sure if I've missed out anything, hope I didn't.

I'm thinking of getting a water dental flosser. Something like the famous waterpik but that is definitely out of my budget. After the surgery I'm sure I am unable to open my mouth big enough for the baby toothbrush. I'm still contemplating though.. Hmm.

Bag #2 Down!

Officially cleared my autologous blood donation.. So all I have to do now is.... wait.

I'm now a week's time away from my surgery. I don't feel very nervous or anything YET because I know I'll sleep through everything. So when I'm awake everything will be over. The only thing that is bothering me is that I have to put a windpipe down my nose so it'll aid my breathing when I'm under general anesthesia. I'm just afraid of the removal part since I'll be awake then. Hmm.. 

There's nothing much for me to update for this donation as it is exactly the same as the previous week. The only difference is that the nurse accidentally broke the needle because she was busy chatting with other nurses. So I guess that's the reason why I bled a lil' more as compared to last week.

Not related to my orthognathic journey in anyway;
but I feel extra emotional lately.. So emotional that after the blood donation I walked all the way from outram (SGH) to Bugis. Tearing. I don't know why but I tend to cry a lot easier but most of the time I try to not do it in public. Even the simplest thing is capable of making me tear.. Don't know what has gotten into me. Hope it's the surgery that is making me this way. 

Why the Surgery?

This is the  number 1 question that people would ask me. I doubt people would even understand unless they are facing this problem themselves.

I've been called "plastic" by one of my close friends already and the thing is, I haven't even gone for my surgery. "I'll call you plastic from now on" wow. that hurts man. I was really mad at first, then sad. I tried to explain but I am not sure if she gets it. Which I highly doubt because she has been blessed with a perfect bite all her life and it's hard for her to understand. 

It's funny how most of the jaw surgery blogs that I visit always have this post/section which states "reasons/why surgery". I FEEL ALL OF YOU. The need to explain, the need for people to understand us. Which they never would. 

Biting

Biting has always been a chore to me. The fact that my teeth don't meet when my mouth is closed means that I can never bite/tear/separate foods with my teeth alone. Not sure whether to blame my upper or lower jaw. Maybe both. 

Imagine: If I can fit a part of my tongue out of my mouth when it's closed, how can I ever possibly bite food off like most of you out there do. T_T

Thankfully, after 20 years of experience in eating I found a way to do it, with the aid of my tongue. I would push my tongue towards my upper teeth in order to bite/tear foods. This method only works on softer foods like noodles, fish, etc. You get what I mean right? This means that I have a higher risk of biting into my tongue which I always do. So what happens after you accidentally bite your tongue? Bleeding occurs, then ulcers. yay.

I tend to avoid tougher foods such as chicken cutlets, steaks, vegetables with stems, etc UNLESS restaurants provide knife for me to cut them into smaller pieces and by knife, I mean good knife unlike what long john silver provides; a plastic knife which I can never cut through its chicken. This leads on to my next point.

Premature Wear

I have always relied on the first pair of molars that meet in my mouth. Speaking of this, I am really sad because after getting my braces on, my teeth started to shift and this pair of molars don't meet anymore. Which means I can no longer rely on them.

The constant pressure & friction causes my tooth to chip

Right now, I am running the risk of chipping my 3rd molar from the back of my upper jaw. I only have 5 pairs of teeth that meet. Picture above was taken when my mouth is closed.

Speech

Like other jaw patients, I'm unable to pronounce sibilants; words that have a hissing sound to it. It's frustrating how people would jokingly correct/correct my mistakes. I guess too much air escapes when I talk. In addition, because of the gap in my mouth, I tend to accidentally spit/drool saliva whenever I'm talking.

Breathing

Not sure whether my small nasal airway is actually linked to this, but I guess it is since the surgery will increase the size of the nasal airway. I've had sinus since I was a young girl, sleeping through the night would be counted as a blessing for me. Most of the nights, I'll wake up wheezing. On average I will use around 10-20 tissues per night just to blow out the mucus in my nasal passage. Thankfully, it's either I have a really bad night or a good night, nothing in between. So on some days, I get to enjoy really good sleep like most of you out there. ^^

Because of my congested nose, I've been using my mouth to breathe which causes me to wake up with a really dry/painful throat. I guess some of you would experience this when you're down with a bad flu. Just that this flu of mine will never recover. 

Bonus: Appearance

Just like people with braces, I just want a nicer smile. For me, it just requires another step for me to have this perfect smile, which is surgery. I've never smiled with teeth in my whole life, and I don't know how to. I have a rather low self-esteem, I tend to not talk to people (a lot) when I've just met them. I'm just afraid people would judge me. If this surgery can fix the problems stated above, and it also comes with aesthetic benefits, why not? It's my life and I live it the way I want to. I'm not here to please anyone of you even if it affects me, somehow. 
It's easier said than done though, of not giving a shit about what others think of me.